How to Cook Badly for Dummies.

1. If it's an egg, flip it violently. If you can't get the shells out, at least run it through a blender before serving. However, if you're a truly bad cook you will never use real eggs.


2. If it's funny looking, stir it in better.

3. If it's smoking, put out the fire and add cheese.

4. If you drop it, serve to someone who wasn't looking.

5. If it's green, cook it in the deep fryer. It's obviously too healthy.

6. Prepare everything at least 5 hours before service, and let it sit on the hot line. Gives that same soggy "fresh out of the microwave" effect that most of America is used to.

7. If you're not sure what it's missing, add salt and/or grease.

8. Fry french toast on the same griddle you just made salmon burgers on.

9. If you forget about it, remember that a meat tenderizer has many uses. This works especially well
for pancakes.

10. If you're out of time and it's still bleeding, serve it with ketchup.

11. If you're not sure what it is, cook it till it's bulletproof and call it chicken.