Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Privacy is in the Pickle Jar

In the mail today, I received the following courtesy notification from the Matanuska Telephone Association; provider of my internet and phone line.


Information About Your MTA Privacy Options.
How can sharing my information help me? 

When the MTA customer service representatives see all of the services you currently use, we can make recommendations for new services, new technologies and the most favorable pricing plans that will best meet your communications needs. This could save you money in the long run and, we hope, simplify your life.

Will MTA protect my information?

Absolutely. We will never share you information with an outside company. We are only asking permission to share information within MTA. Besides being legally obligated to protect the confidentiality of your information, protecting your privacy is the right thing to do.
You can always change your mind about sharing your information with MTA. Just give us a call and explain your needs. Whatever your choice, MTA will continue to provide you with the same high quality of service you currently receive.

If you want us to share information within MTA, you don't have to do anything.
If we don't hear from you after 30 days, we may occasionally use your information to send you new and updates on special MTA savings and programs.  


Over a tall glass of wine, I drafted my response.

Ladies and Gentlemen of MTA:

Thank you for your letter. It is a relief to know that my privacy is your utmost concern. As you have access to my phone number/numbers, physical address, payment card #, full name and recent history, it is obvious that I place a great deal of trust in our relationship. It is my viewpoint that relationships be equal and mutually fulfilling; you may use my personal information as requested on these conditions: firstly, I must receive an organized list of the personal information identical to that of my own which you hold, pertaining to every person representing the company of MTA, along with their likes and dislikes, activities they are involved in and beliefs that they hold. As you have agreed not to share my privacy outside of your company, I shall only use this information within my personal realm of contacts, strictly limited to: Facebook friends, chess club, running team, neighbors, co-workers and mailman.

In return for this information, I shall send you occasional updates pertaining to services my 800+ Facebook friends offer, including: Girl Scout cookie sales, Avon orders, soccer team sponsorships, words with friends, Mafia wars, My Calendar, Farm/City/Castle/Hoboville, Bingo, pink ribbon fund raisers and requests to talk about becoming a Jehovah’s Witness. I will never (as long as you notify me within 30 days) use your payment card information to fulfill any of these notifications.

I will advise each of my acquaintances not to share any of MTA’s representative’s personal information with anyone else, (unless we have two or more mutual friends in common), as protecting your privacy is, I believe, the right thing to do.

Secondly, each person whose information I receive must send me a letter answering this question: “Does a citizen of the United States have to spell out his desire for the right to privacy to be upheld in order for it to be honored?” And, if they answer affirmatively, also give a good reason why.

If you wish to decline, consider your offer also declined.
Respectfully,
Brenna A. Cliver


If I receive any response, I shall appropriately post them here.

Friday, February 3, 2012

If you give a moose a muffin, this may not happen to you.


With a fully-assembled ten seconds of consciousness on my repertoire for the day, I stumbled out of bed and downstairs to let the dogs out. This always makes me feel like a good pet owner- the basic feeding, watering, allowance or reversal of freedom etc, even if they are not my pets. Similar to children, I am currently in the market only for returnable dependents. 

Noticing that the temperature was at a point of semi-decency this morning, I forewent the usual ritual of up-down-turn-around-zip-tie-lace-up-layer preparation associated with venturing into the outdoors, in Alaska, in February. Besides, my survival apparatus coffee mug was in my truck, a mere 20 steps away from the front door.  “I’ll-coffee-just be-need coffee-quick”, said my ever alert and innovative mind.

The dogs were barking, typical; most likely asking their own urine stream what right it had to be on the property. I reached into the cab of my truck and retrieved the mug, just as one of the dogs (Jo) raced between my legs, under the open door of the truck, and stopped. “That’s-coffee-slightly-coffeecoffee-odd”, is what I was thinking as the second dog (Bear) raced in on the heels of Jo, and proceeded to hide behind her haunches.

Minor details were beginning to register: 1) Freaking out dogs, three of them. 2) No coffee. 3) Two dogs showing great faith that I will be able to save them from...well, from whatever. 4) Aren’t I missing a dog?
Glancing up, my brain function suddenly jumped from .5 mph to somewhere around the speed of pimple growth on an 8th grader. Three thoughts flashed through my mind, nearly simultaneously: You know how rabbits have a high rate of return? Send three rabbits into the woods, they will return with three thousand, etc. So, apparently, do dogs, only in a little more ambitious way; which leads me to my next thought.

HOLYPISSEDOFFMOTHEROFBULLWINKLEFROMHELL”.

Yes, that was my thought, in its most correct form, as the last dog (Earl) also came sprinting around the corner with an irritated moose hot on his heels. I suppose moose are not morning people either. My last thought was seeing myself from an outside perspective, something to this effect: 


If only road runners wore crocs.