I have an entire list of motivations. I have posters and sticky notes and note cards tacked to the wall, full of quotes and expressions and pictures. Motivation to work out, motivation to smile, motivation to get on the ball. Blah, blah, blah. I love to run, I have the fitness to run, if I went for a run I would feel better. I'm going to Hawaii and I'd like to shed that last five pounds. I want to make a qualifying time for a certain marathon I have in mind. But I don't have the heart to run.
I love to cook. I love recipes and alterations and wandering grocery aisles imagining all the different things I could make. I love to create week long menus and experiment with new ingredients and taste ten million different flavors. I love the smile on someone's face when I make them something amazing, I love the feeling of taking good care of someone's most basic need. But tonight I ate out of a can. I don't have the heart to cook.
I love getting things done; prioritizing, checking things off of a list, feeling accomplished at the end of a day. I love to work and be absorbed in a task and finish it to the end. Right now, I don't think I could get off the couch to save my life. I have no energy, I have no heart.
I've been blessed to have the privilege of loving a person more than I ever thought that I could. I have been blessed to be surrounded with friends and family who love me more than I deserve. I'm happy and I'm healthy and my life is filled with opportunities. Most days I can live off adrenaline and caffeine and endorphins and the mental train of thought that puts my feet in motion. But today my heart hurts. And I can't fix it, because I don't have it.
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