Sensible Say-so's.

Mom always told me that she would rather I learn from her mistakes than to make them myself. Her logic was perhaps flawed because, to my knowledge, she was always right. In fact, thought I have been out of her house for quite some time, I keep finding out she was right about all sorts of stuff I thought she didn't know a thing about. This sortof makes me nervous because it's likely that I actually got away with a lot less than I thought I did.


But anyways, like I have said before, you learn new things every day. And though she was an unfailingly amazing mother, there were just a few things she forgot to mention in her raising of me; or perhaps they are things that were covered in the "common sense" lessons that I didn't pay enough attention to. Since I have learned them now, I will pass these on to you.

1.) Microwaving avocadoes does not hasten the ripening process. Similar to the theory that coffee will not make a person any less intoxicated, and all you will have is a hyperactive drunk, if you microwave an avocado, all you will have is a very warm, very hard (fruit? vegetable? Mom you should know this.) and it is still impossible to make guacamole.

2.) Balancing on one foot on a beer keg is a bad idea, no matter how badly you need the garlic that some moron put on the top shelf of the walk in.

3.) Don't anger an 8 year old with a tennis racket, although it is perfectly acceptable to bestow sweaty post-run hugs if said child is unarmed.

4.) Boys are picky about food, but only in what it tastes like, whether or not it looks like bird barf, and how much they can have. They really don't care whether you made your pasta sauce from scratch or borrowed the work of Classico.

Also, don't introduce them to new ideas without explanations. Such as the breakfast cookie. Undefined, breakfast cookie could simply mean balls of scrambled eggs with chocolate chips.

Or Guryere cheese. Grey cheese? Like grey matter? No. Guryere.

Or pesto. The male ear hears a cross between Raid and Draino.

5.) Mascara is not condusive to crying. A cry is good once in a while though, at least until you can get your running shoes on. If your main focus is breathing it's difficult to be in hysterics. And it might save you a small fortune on kleenex and chocolate ice cream.