Yes dear?

Today's topic: pet names. How many are with me here, either 1) you hate pet names in general, or 2) you, like me, have noticed that the usage of pet names is coming from a younger and younger generation. I can't tell you how many times, but only recently, I have been in a conversation with a friend, usually younger than me or close to my age who, out of the blue, says something like, "Oh, well I'm sorry hun!"; or ends a letter with "Love you sweetie pie!".


And I am left wondering.."Didn't we used to play in a tree fort, make our brothers lives miserable, have tea parties and groan over 2nd grade homework together? I still consider myself young, since when do you have the dentures neccesary to justify phrases like 'honey', 'sweetie-pie' and 'precious'?"

Let me emphasize. Do NOT refer to me as hun, honey, sweetheart, sweetiepie, precious, etc...UNLESS:

1) You are my grandparent. That's their job. This only excuses 4 people though.

2) You are old enough to remember the 70's show in real life.

3) You are dating me, AND taking me out to eat at least weekly.

4) I, for some reason, become mentally incompetant and no longer care. Physical inabilities do not count. If I lose a leg but am still mentally sound and my sister calls me hun, I will run her down with my wheelchair.

5) You have at any past time had to put up with my shenadigans while babysitting me. If you were ever one of the poor souls who endured my obcession with tormenting anyone my mom bribed into being in authority over me for a few hours, you deserve to make my life a little irritating and lie and call me sweetheart.

6) I am facing a real tragedy and you are being truly sympathetic, in which case a large amount of chocolate must also be supplied.

7) You are awarding me a good sum of money that I have in no way earned. In this case all pet names and unneccesary congratulatory endearments will be temporarily overlooked.

8) You have excellent medical insurance and don't mind spending a few hours in the dentist chair.

9) You have honstly mistook me for someone under the age of 10. This excuse can only be used once.

10) Your last name is Tatum and your first name is Channing and you're trying to teach me how to dance.

11) You are over 7 feet tall. In this case I have no arguments with you; please just concentrate on not stepping on me.

12) You mistook me for the largest honey jar in existence. However, you had BETTER be over the age of 85 and/or be accompanied by someone in a white coat.

13) You are trying to piss me off..in which case, prepare to have all your belongings and your pet armadillo posted for sale on craig's list.

14) OR, if you are my mother. She can call me whatever she wants, just don't call me late for dinner.