Sunday, April 12, 2015

Men and Marriage

First of all, I would like to preface this blog post with the fact that everything that you think you know about men after prom, is a joke. Everything you know about men after sleeping over a few times, is a joke. Even the things that you know about men after going on your one-or-two-year-anniversary-trip is a joke. Everything that I learned about men in 23 years was trumped by three months of marriage; and, yes, no matter how expensive your underwear is, it's going to happen to you. Here are a few reasons why:

1) If you marry a man of quality, it doesn't matter whether you shop at Wal Mart or Victoria's Secret, because neither of these companies sell vaginas.

2) Men smell like shit. All the time, except for the five minutes after they get out of the shower, but even that depends on what body wash that they use.

3) "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is a ton of bullshit. If that's true, you have the wrong one. All that aside, your grocery bill will triple, but not for any product of immense quality.

4) You. Will. Look. Like. Ass. In. Front. Of. Him. No ifs, ands or butts. You will look the worst that you want to, in his face, in the morning, every day. And you know what, only you will notice this. He will still think that you're goddamn Cinderella letting her hair down. And by hair I mean pants.

5) Marriage is fun. It's being with your best friend every day. It's waiting to hear their car lock in the drive; footsteps; kisses; pranks; finding new ways to love, and hemispheres of your heart that you never knew existed.

6) Marriage is hard. It is like looking is the most accurate mirror ever invented. There is no hiding; no quiet apartment to come home to. It's the most work, and the most rewarding endeavor, that you will ever encounter in this life. You will have to confront yourself; your partner; the way that you live your life, every moment, every day. Stupid misunderstandings happen as easily as stubbing your toe; except that sometimes they hurt longer.

7) I will stop here, because seven is my lucky number. Marriage is not overrated. It might be viewed as antiquated, conservative, religious, or as a settlement. But promising to spend all of your days with a person who fulfills your emotional and physical needs; who finds ways to support you that you could never imagine; who sees your weaknesses and loves you all the same; who helps you to be better every single day that you are together; where distance or time does not matter, is not any sort of compromise. It is the best deal that could ever be settled.

All this being said; WEDDINGS ARE SO OVERPRICED AND OVERRATED THAT AT THE END OF IT YOU WILL FEEL AS THOUGH YOU PURCHASED A HOOKER IN A WHITE DRESS AND STILL WON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT FLOWERS.

I only hope that your bartender was awesome.

1 comment:

  1. Holy shit, Brenna. This is an absolute gold mine. You're a stellar writer, and I admire your ability to put the think into the write.

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