Top fifteen of the bazillion reasons why I will probably never reproduce:
1) Vaginal botox is not currently a thing.
2) I would have to take at least nine months reprieve from drinking wine; possibly repeatedly.
3) Diapers are more expensive than crack. (Thus, cracks are more expensive than crack.)
4) Some people say, "But having kids to do the chores is nice". Do you realize that by the time children are old enough to be remotely useful, you will have done approximately 107,333,499x the amount of chores that they would be able to accomplish before they (hopefully) decide to move out.
5) Calculated by the increasing rate of technology integration in young children, by the time I have kids, they'll want the current version of an Ipad by age 2.
6) There are already plenty to go around. For the record, and to disprove any notions about my being a complete ogre, I love children; as long as they are returnable.
7) I'd catch myself lying about mythical "holiday" creatures, and stealing the spotlight from my own time, effort, money and lack of sleep resulting from preparing for early morning egg hunts and cinnamon bun scented paper shredding disasters.
8) It wouldn't be fair to my siblings, as my offspring would be naturally cuter, smarter, more respectful, more talented, and just generally superior to theirs.
9) If I never actually have kids I won't have to prove the theory stated in #8.
10) Sleep is totally not overrated.
11) Strollers are not beneficial to negative splits.
12) I'm pretty sure that I also never want to be a grandmother; and that seems rather unfair to the desires of my children.
13) If my ankles are swollen, it better be because I ran a damn ultramarathon.
14) There is not an adequate insurance policy to cover my navigating the type of equipment that I have witnessed by mother pilot through Sam's Club in order to feed myself and my siblings.
15) Finally, if my kids are anything like me, which science recommends that they will be, they may very well outrun me and eat all of the chocolate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
